What is a happy relationship? Is it a relationship without conflict, in which both the partners are constantly happy and seem to co-exist peacefully without any issues between them? Do you believe that conflict should be avoided in a relationship despite the issues that may arise between you and your partner? Do you believe that compromise on your part will help your relationship last longer? If you answered yes to most of the questions I’ve asked you, chances are that you’re steering your relationship towards a fall its not going to survive.
When we avoid conflict in hope to make our relationship last longer we put it at the risk of falling apart because the dirt we keep sweeping under the rug ends up sweeping away the rug itself; meaning, there comes a time when all the anger we’ve been trying so hard to keep under the surface erupts and everything comes spiraling down in a way you could have never thought it would.
Resolving a conflict will help you move forward, whereas conflict avoidance will cause misery:
At first avoiding a conflict can seem like an excellent idea, both of you eventually move on from the issue and start to think that everything is alright, or at least that’s what you tell yourself until your partner ends up screaming at you for not doing the laundry, and you find yourself thinking if the laundry is really what makes them this angry? Hell no, it’s all the coped up anger and now its come down a sledge.
Our minds are designed to remember unresolved issues and task, and this effect is known as Zeignarnik Effect, which states that people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks, to help them better maintain their everyday lives. And so, if something in your relationship is left unresolved, it will always remain in the back of your mind unless you’ve sorted it out. In fact, loneliness in a relationship is directly proportional to the unresolved issues that the two of you have been keeping locked away.
This is why if you believe that your conflict less relationship is a healthy one, you are incorrect to assume so. And it is better for you and your partner if you start being honest with each other about what is hurtful and what isn’t. An honest conversation can heal wounds and can often help resolve issues you believed could not be.
It is also observed that sometimes partners are not aware that they have started to withdraw from each other emotionally and cannot tell the difference between a truly healthy relationship or a strained one. This can be because of a number of reasons, for example, it may be that you’ve grown up in a family where your parents always had a similar strain in their relationship an while they were civil with each other, they had emotionally drawn from each other ages ago. Maybe you’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships in the past and you don’t know how to move forward with the resentment you’ve started to feel towards your partner now.
We’ve written down some points to help you better understand emotional disconnection, here are six signs that an emotionally disconnected partner may have;
Signs of Emotional Disconnection:
1. The Relationship is emotionally dead:
You don’t feel anything towards your partner anymore, you cannot find joy in their company anymore and you cannot share a laugh any longer.
2. Feel like Passing Ships at Night:
You and your partner cannot feel the passion that was once between you.
3. Lacking Friendship:
Friendship is the most integral part of any relationship if it no longer exists you can-not peacefully live together, every long-term relationship develops because of friendship and if it is gone, that is a clear sign that your relationship is emotionally dead.
4. Pretend Everything’s Okay:
You don’t feel right about complaining either, to you it is your fault that your feeling this way, and there isn’t something wrong with the relationship, something is wrong with you.
5. Lack of soothing each other:
When both of you are stressed you don’t try to soothe your partner and he or she doesn’t try to either.
Even when you have a partner within reach and you are never without them you feel alone.
How to end Emotional Disconnection:
In order to move past this state of emotional disconnection, it is essential to understand that you can not have a healthy relationship until you have talked about everything that has been bothering the two of you, it can never get better if you keep holding back the conflict and anger that has been accumulating inside of you. Both the partners need to make the conscious decision to let out the anger and really place themselves bare in-front of each other so that the truth can seep out and the demons can finally be put to rest.
Emotional disconnection often leads to cheating:
If the relationship you’re in is not meeting your emotional requirements chances are that as soon as you get the emotional connection you need you will end up cheating. And often to a cheater, it comes as a shock because you hadn’t expected to do something of the sort and while the cheater can often be found blaming the non-cheating partner in the relationship for not mending the relationship when they could, the responsibility sits on their shoulders equally and their actions cannot be excused.
Bridging the distance:
At any point in our lives and at any point in our relationship, we have the choice to ponder upon our mistakes and we have the choice to mend what has been broken. If you enjoyed talking to another man today because of the connection you felt with him go home and try to re-engage in the kind of connection that you wanted with your partner, if you chose to let this interaction remain a secret you are making a conscious choice not to mend your relationship, so when the time comes, sit down with your partner and let out the anger that you’ve been holding inside of you that’s keeping you and them from happiness and contentment.
Conflict is an essential part of any relationship, it is not possible for two very different human beings to exist without clashing on some things time to time, it is only natural and you shouldn’t cringe away from it because keeping anger pilled up can destroy a happy relationship.